The Boundaries Series (Part 3): Rigid Boundaries and the Walls We Build to Protect Ourselves

By Wendell Covell, LCSW 5.18.26

We are picking back up with our four-part series on boundaries.

Last week, we explored Porous Boundaries—the tendency to keep our limits so flexible that we feel drained and taken advantage of. Today, we are moving to the exact opposite end of the spectrum to look at Rigid Boundaries.

As we walk through this style, take a moment to reflect: Do you build walls to keep people out? Or do you know someone in your caregiving circle who does?

What are Rigid Boundaries?

While porous boundaries are overly open, rigid boundaries are closed off, detached, and highly protective—especially when it comes to keeping our personal feelings or vulnerable information safe.

When someone utilizes a rigid boundary style, they often:

• Struggle to ask for help, preferring to carry the entire weight of a task themselves.

• Have few close relationships or keep others at a strict emotional distance.

• Project a "my way or the highway" approach when making decisions.

• Avoid sharing thoughts, feelings, or personal struggles with family or friends.

  
  

By utilizing rigid boundaries, we rarely leave room for other people's opinions or values. Instead, we tend to make decisions based solely on what we believe is important, locking others out of the process entirely.

The Real Cost of Building Walls

These boundaries are usually born out of a survival instinct. We tend to adopt them when we feel unsafe, highly vulnerable, or like we need to protect our emotional health from collapsing.

You might notice yourself using rigid boundaries with only a few specific people, or you might realize you are using them in almost all of your relationships.

While these walls are built to keep you safe, they often carry a painful side effect: they leave you feeling deeply lonely and create severe strain in your relationships.

Investigating the "Why" and the "Who"

Just like with porous boundaries, if you find yourself relying on rigid boundaries frequently, it’s worth taking a closer look.

The roots of rigid boundaries are often connected to:

• Past conflicts or emotional pain.

• Deep-seated family of origin issues.

• The fear of being let down or rejected again if you open up.

  
  

Recognizing why we protect ourselves so intensely is the first step toward finding a balance that keeps us safe without shutting the world out.

Coming Up Next

Next week, we will conclude our series by discussing Healthy Boundaries and exploring practical ways to work toward them when they aren't there.

Stay tuned!

Wendell Covell, LCSW