Communicating at the Level of Emotional Truth: How to Respond When Reality Differs

By Wendell Covell, LCSW 6.15.26

Today, our caregiver tip is about Communicating at the Level of Emotional Truth, a core concept that comes directly from the Savvy Caregiver training manual.

The Caregiver "Double Bind"

A common theme that has come up with a lot of our families over the past few months is the experience of a loved one saying and believing things that are clearly not true.

For example, they might insist:

• "Someone stole my wallet/purse."

• "I need to call my mother." (When their mother has been deceased for decades)

• "I want to go home." (While they are currently sitting in their own living room)

This feels like a stressful "double bind" because there aren’t many obvious options for how to respond. It is incredibly tempting to correct them, but whatever your loved one believes is entirely true to them in that moment. Whether triggered by a physical sensation, a random memory, or cognitive decline, their brain is experiencing that thought as absolute reality.

How to Respond: The Two-Step Approach

According to the Savvy Caregiver, we can bypass the urge to argue by shifting our focus from the facts to the feelings. Here is how to navigate these moments:

1.1. Don't Confront or Reason: Pause your urge to correct.

Given the cognitive losses your loved one is navigating, trying to "convince" or reason with them will almost always fail. Pointing out the facts will not change their mind; instead, it is highly likely to lead to greater confusion, embarrassment, and distress for both of you.

2.2. Deal with the Emotional Truth: Find the emotional nugget.

Look past the literal words and search for what your loved one is feeling underneath the statement. Validate that emotion.

If they want to visit a deceased parent, they might be feeling lonely, homesick, or vulnerable. If they believe someone stole their wallet, they might be feeling a loss of control or security.

• Connect and Reminisce: Engage them in a way that taps into those feelings. Ask them to tell you a story about the person or place they are missing. Look at old photos together, or share your own memories.

  
  

• Allow the Moment, Then Gently Pivot: Give them a few quiet moments to feel that emotional connection, and then gently redirect them to a new, calming task or activity.

The Silver Lining

These challenging moments, though difficult, can actually offer a special, unexpected opportunity to connect and reminisce with your person. By choosing to meet them in their emotional reality rather than fighting over the facts, you protect their dignity and find a moment of shared warmth.

Have a wonderful week!